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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Soaking it all in...

Grant was up in SF last night for work so the boy and I were home solo. I spent the majority of yesterday and last night waiting to go into labor, expecting Murphy's Law to go into effect and have to experience worst case scenario, me delivering Deuce solo at Cedars during the window of time that Grant couldn't catch a flight back from up north. I'm happy to report that Deuce is still snug as a bug in a rug inside my belly and based on the doctor's observations yesterday, it looks like he'll hopefully be staying put for the next couple of weeks.

I've been battling a cold for the past week, so when Hayzey went to bed last night, I followed suit. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, he kept waking up throughout the night, so what was supposed to be my luxurious evening of 9+ hours of uninterrupted shut-eye quickly turned into a tedious hourly trek to his room to put him back to sleep, 45 minutes for me to fall back to sleep and repeat. After 3 times of this, I threw caution to the wind and invited him into bed with me, where we slept blissfully, side by side for the last 4 hours of the night. I know I'll be regretting that decision tonight when he comes into our room in the middle of the night and expects to snuggle right back in beside me, but in the moment and based on my mother's guilt as of late for what's about to happen to life as we know it, there was nowhere I'd rather him be.

As we enter these final few weeks of pregnancy, I find myself in an odd state of emotions about what's to come. On one hand, I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore. The past 9 months have felt like 9 years and I'm anxious to have my body back, be done with these tired maternity clothes and stop feeling the burden of the extra 25 lbs I've grown accustomed to carrying around. I'm also dying to find out what this little guy is going to be like... will he look and act like his brother? Will I be as enthralled with his every move as I was the first time I had a newborn? Is it true what people say about love being infinite? I can't possibly imagine loving somebody as much as I love my little guy, but according to what other parents of multiple kids say (and being the second-born in my family, hoping my parents subscribe to the same theory!), there is PLENTY of love to go around.

On the other hand, frankly, I'm terrified. When Hayes was a couple of days old, I remember looking at Grant holding him in the wee hours of the morning, desperately doing anything he could to get him to go to sleep and thinking to myself, "What have we done? We had this perfect life and now we've had a baby, a human being who we can't return, and we've gone and ruined everything." Of course, that was a weak moment of sleep-deprived insanity and I quickly came to realize the joys of parenthood, but I fear (and expect) those same thoughts are going to come right back to me this time around. We have gotten our lives down to a pretty solid routine - Hayes is at an adorable age, sleeping through the night (well, besides last night!) and on an easy and predictable schedule. We're about to go mess all of that up - and I know it'll be great in the long run, but the next couple of months are going to be tough. 

And what about Hayes? He has been the center of attention for his entire 2 years, 8 months of life, never having to share the spotlight, always being #1. Is he going to understand what it means to have to share that moving forward? Are we bringing a new best friend into his life, or will Deuce and him have nothing in common and end up resenting each other as they get older? Will Hayes feel like he's playing second fiddle to the baby all the time, especially in the near future when people ooh and aah over him and forget about the old-news toddler? We've tried to prepare him as best we can and have bought him the presents and played up his big boy status, but what if it isn't enough?

The train has left the station and don't get me wrong, it wasn't unscheduled. We wanted a second baby and more specifically, we wanted the kids to be close enough in age that they could grow up being besties. But in these final days of facing the unknown, I would be lying if I said these thoughts and fears weren't going through my mind 24/7. 

So, in the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy some extra snuggles with my guy, reading him more books at bedtime and relishing in the one-on-one time we have when we're out and about and not yet distracted by a needy newborn. And I'm also trying to remain positive and excited about what's to come because I owe that to the second little guy who's about to enter our world and change it forever ;-)

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